USAID Funding Freeze Forces Afterlife Restructuring

The afterlife will require “strategic realignment,” said spokesdjinni Maymoun Kamtam, following the USAID funding freeze announced by the Trump administration earlier this week.

A budget review found that the return on investment in the judgment process did not align with crisis response plans; as a result, the Barzakh (“intermediate realm”) would be phased out, as would the A‘raf (the limbo between paradise and hell, similar to purgatory), with deceased assigned to it fast-tracked to either of their eventual destinations.

The djinni explained that operating A‘raf had imposed high costs on the afterlife without yielding any meaningful returns, especially as all parts of the afterlife operated free of charge—for eternity.

“Going forward, a customs tariff will be imposed on paradise’s silk and brocade,” added Kamtam, “and a membership system will be introduced for believers who want to skip the judgment queue. A paid package will also be made available for sinners who prefer to experience the torment of Saqar according to their personal preferences, called Hell on Demand.”

Maymoun added that these decisions would not compromise the fundamentals of the afterlife, but were parts of its efforts towards long-term sustainability. “It’s necessary to modernise the afterlife to align with current needs. We aim to make it more efficient and sustainable. If membership uptake remains low, we may have to shorten the judgment period to just ten years—after which humanity will be sent back to Earth to wreak havoc once again and keep USAID funded for eternity.”