Syrian Government Resisting Israeli Occupation with More Price Hikes

Israeli sources have disclosed details of a plan by the Syrian government to address the ongoing occupation of Syrian territory.

Funded by the government, snack, coffee, and tea stalls have appeared in areas frequented by Israeli army patrols, an attempt at making Israeli incursions prohibitively expensive, “roughly the cost of a trip to Ras al-Basit.”

A hand-picked group of young General Security recruits has already been trained to run these stalls and commercial ventures. Their preparation reportedly included intensive courses in the economics of tea sales—whether served with foam or without—as well as advanced training in beating the latest lie-detector technology when solemnly swearing that prices are “at cost” or even sold at a loss. 

“An elite unit within these forces can send any Israeli patrol back to base with empty pockets and a negative credit score,” claimed one official, requesting anonymity. “It seems Syrian leadership is killing us with a thousand cuts. First they raised the price tag for Netanyahu. Tomorrow, every Israeli will pay the price with every cup of tea.”

Military analyst Faj‘een Zbarov told Vilka that, despite the plan being exposed, stopping it would be no easy task. “The Shin Bet and Mossad have tried to warn soldiers about the risks of buying from street vendors and uncovered sweets, but it may already be too late. Let’s be honest—who can really resist these savoury snacks?”

For its part, the Syrian government declined to confirm or deny any news of the plan, issuing only a brief statement: “Silence does not spell ignorance. The lion does not concern itself with the opinions of sheep.”