Tech Companies Announce They’re Avoiding Your Data Specifically

In a breakthrough that could spare you the roll of tape covering your laptop camera—and ease your conscience the next time you click on a promise of “attractive singles in your area”—a study by Al-Hudood has revealed that tech companies not only avoid your data—and, reader, we do mean you specifically—but actually dedicate a significant portion of their budgets to ensuring that it never contaminates their AI models, service arsenals, or advertising systems, all of which would drop in efficiency if they came within a folder’s distance of your browsing history.

The report is surprising, given Silicon Valley’s efforts to develop technologies capable of knowing people better than they know themselves, but the study leaves no doubt: they avoid your internet activity the way you’d avoid the scale after binging.

“We’re talking about AI models that cost billions. Why would anyone want to contaminate them with posts about events that never actually happened?” said Dr. Fatima Zeit al-Qamar, She was referring to your recent attempts to decode what you’ve taken to calling the New Middle East—all of them impressively inaccurate, none remotely helpful to an algorithm already prone to hallucination.

Senior researcher Sinan al-Sheikh added that executives in charge of “behavioural engineering” often find themselves staring at endless data on your spicier browsing choices. “What,” he said, “are they supposed to do with that information? And that’s before we even get to the messages you send at night to the people you fancy.”

He concluded by offering you a piece of advice: learn to make peace with yourself. With luck, someday a tech company might once again find you worth tracking, just like your peers.