The Kennedy Assassination is Solved (and Other Dispatches from a Syrian Inbox)

In a country where reinventing the wheel or printing press might be considered modest goals, Syrian journalism—particularly in its self-declared Umayyad phase—has loftier ambitions. No longer content to merely report the news, it aspires to reroute the course of human history itself. Each journalist’s inbox is cast not as a mundane repository of tips and press releases, but as a vault of cosmic significance—where global conspiracies unravel, lost truths re-emerge, and secrets wait to be summoned at a moment’s notice. Hourly. Daily. Or whenever the mood strikes.

What, then, are the world-shifting riddles that slumber in the inbox of the Syrian journalist?

The Kennedy Assassination

The Warren Commission Report on President John F. Kennedy’s assassination continues to churn debate. Was Lee Harvey Oswald truly the lone gunman? And if so, why was he himself gunned down almost immediately? It’s not hard to imagine that a Syrian expatriate in the United States once knew someone who knew someone whose cousin worked in a publishing house and was, by chance, a colleague of Oswald. Perhaps on his deathbed, this expatriate was overcome with remorse and posted a final letter to a Syrian journalist, beginning solemnly with a vow sworn in God's name. In it, he lays bare the real events of 22 November 1963, revealing that Kennedy’s death was part of a broader attempt to derail history and delay the rise of Syria’s new government until the year 2025.

The Disappearance of Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370

Despite vast technological leaps—satellites, tracking systems, near-omniscient surveillance—the disappearance of flight MH370 remains one of the modern era’s great mysteries. It vanished, it seems, like so many vague promises of civil rights. While international efforts to locate the plane continue to founder, one wonders: might its precise location already be known—quietly sitting in a journalist’s inbox? All it would take to release the truth is a whispered rumour: that one of the passengers had recorded an offensive voice message moments before impact. A nationwide outcry would follow. The messages would be opened. The wreckage found. Justice pursued…even in death.

Life Beyond Earth

The cosmos continues to defy human understanding. We do not know if alien life exists, let alone if it has any interest in visiting us. But should any such beings ever approach, it will not be Chile’s telescopes or China’s observatories that intrigue them—it will be the Syrian journalist, ultimate custodian of the truth. Perhaps the aliens have already made contact, their message dismissed as junk mail and cast aside. But at the critical hour—perhaps when the beloved national leader faces criticism or scandal—the journalist may finally click “Translate.” And then, the truth will emerge. A message once deemed incomprehensible—“ⱷɅ𐑃⩰ ƢǶᔑ⟊₼ ⟟”—will reveal itself to mean: “We stand with Mr Ahmad al-Shara’. Were it in our power, we would make him ruler of our galaxy.”