Turkish caliph Recep Tayyip Erdogan and his soulmate Syrian President Bashar al-Assad agreed this week on a deal concerning the fate of Syrian refugees in Turkey, which mandates that 50% of each refugee be sent to safe and stable areas in northern Syria, while the other 50% of each refugee will be delivered to similarly safe and stable areas on the Greek border or at the bottom of the sea.
The deal followed several heart to heart sessions between Assad and Erdogan, in which they bared their souls and cursed all Syrian refugees, citizens, and the entire country itself.
It was unclear whether the 50% of each refugee that will return to the embrace of the homeland will be the top or bottom half of each person, but experts said dividing them vertically might make more sense. Such an arrangement would allow each half refugee to retain one hand to sign confessions of belonging to terrorist organisations and one foot to jump for joy during demonstrations supporting the regime. The half that will remain in Turkey will also possess one shocked, saddened eye that can be photographed and distributed to international media outlets to extract support and sympathy.
Erdogan said only the half refugees who want to return to Syria will do so, and he will insist that Assad issue a general amnesty for the returnees.
The deal is likely to go into force once an agreement is reached on who will physically cut the refugees in half, with the Turkish side insisting that its secular opposition be given the opportunity to do so, while Assad insists he has the right to cut his own citizens in half.