Western media condemns invasion of white Ukraine and proposes a few coloured alternatives

Western media outlets condemned Russia’s invasion of Ukraine despite its Europeanness, free market system, civilized nature and blonde hair of its citizens, railing in the strongest terms against white on white violence despite first world nations agreeing that such methods are only to be used for the purposes of spreading freedom in brown, black and other countries with vast natural resources.

A number of media outlets kindly provided Russian president Vladimir Putin with a list of non-white countries where he can expend his energy in the form of a map that excludes Europe, North America, Australia and New Zealand, where his brutality and colonialist agression can be transformed into honorable sacrifices and valiant efforts to combat terrorism and backwards regimes. The outlets suggested such a campaign would transform the Western response from collective resistance to innocent ambivalence.

In a statement, the media outlets told Putin that countries that had been colonized and invaded before remain in need of foreign intervention, and past military campaigns have made it easier for Western societies to accept wars in faraway places that, in their imaginations, are largely embattled and barbaric and do not deserve round the clock coverage.

CBS News correspondent Charlie D’Agata, in a segment about the media statement, wept as he shakenly spoke of the crisis that upended the natural order of things.

“Even though Ukraine isn’t technically in the West, it remains a civilized nation that is part of our world order, despite its geographic location being at the edges of the enlightened European homeland,” he said. “Nevertheless, the sight of a white man on the ground is too painful, a sight that we expect to see for an Afghan or an Iraqi whose skin color barely differentiates them from the soil.”