New Saudi Arabia demands UN recognition

The Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan, led by Taliban, demanded international recognition as the sole representative of Afghans, reaffirming its commitment to enforcing Salafi reforms as close to the Saudi model as possible; a model which receives full support from the UN and the Western world.

Taliban’s spokesman, Zabiullah Mujahid, said that the movement is no less credible than the Saudi regime, which Taliban strives to build Afghanistan in its own image.

“Being Sunni automatically places us within the ranks of countries with acceptable theocracies, unlike the lunatic Shias and their isolated Mullahs in Iran,” he said.

Zabiullah added, “guided by the original Saudi model; our leaders have formed a women-free government, honoring them right back to their exalted place, the home.”

“This model was successful in building an eternal alliance with the United States; an alliance that was shaken only when MBS adopted a liberal progressive agenda and allowed women to drive. This speaks volumes of the value systems the US supports, so why are we left out of the equation?”  He asked.

Zabiullah added that the Taliban is open to dialogue and is responsive to new ideas moving forward in this renaissance he is leading.

“The sky's the limit. We are willing to follow the playbook to a T, even if it means bringing back public executions, enforcing sharia-based criminal laws, spreading and funding the Salafi-Jihadi ideology worldwide, or even facilitating the next 9/11 to be carried out by our very own,” he said.

Zabiullah assured all parties concerned that the international recognition of Taliban would be a win-win situation.

“International trade will bloom, we are the next major exporter of opium and are willing to offer it at competitive prices wherever needed. Also, if we manage to secure an arms deal with some major international player, we will gladly bomb a neighboring country back to the stone age triggering a man-made famine and a cholera outbreak.”