Denmark reassures refugees that Syria now first world country better suited to host them

The Danish government announced Monday the end of the war in Syria, pledging to help the government of Bashar al-Assad rejoin the fold of the international community, send back refugees, and work with Damascus to take advantage of the wartime decline in population density to propel it into the ranks of first world nations.

Government spokesman Gunnar Maniaksson said the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people in the war and the displacement of millions is an opportunity that should not go to waste. He praised the Assad government for achieving in a decade a population reduction that countries in Europe could only dream of in their early stages of enlightenment. 

His comments came after the Danish authorities stripped 94 Syrians of their residencies and began the process of sending them back home after declaring Damascus and its environs a sufficiently safe space.

“This decision is for the good of the refugees,” Maniaksson said at a press conference. “Life in Denmark is extremely expensive, our budget does not allow for the burden of hosting a few thousand Syrians, and it is difficult for them to integrate in a society that is so clearly superior to theirs as evidenced by the natural height of Danes.”

Maniaksson said he knew that Arabs were often deeply attached to their homelands, and Syrians were no exception.

“I strongly believe these refugees would rather live back home, even if they were crammed in a prison cell with a few dozen other returnees, it remains of the homeland and therefore more beautiful than all the privileges of life in Denmark,” he said.

Maniaksson said the government’s decision was based on international metrics and standards, specifically the fact that there were no more frontpage news stories about chemical attacks, hospital bombings, beheadings, starvation sieges, and homeless children. In addition, the remnants of various toxic gases that were used have completely dissipated by now, he said.

“Even the refugees who went back, you don’t hear any complaints from them, or anything else for that matter,” he added.

Maniaksson said the overall situation in Syria heralded a truly historic moment for the country that, if exploited well, can even allow it to draw closer to the ideal of Scandinavian countries.

“The reduction in the population means they can make better use of natural resources,” he said. “Moreover, the fuel crisis and lack of electricity means Syria is well on its way to achieving its Paris climate accord targets.”