Renowned scientist Dr Victor Frankenstein expressed his regret and washed his hands of the actions and crimes of the monster he created and supported during its campaign to destroy and devour thousands of victims over the past four years.
In a statement, Dr Frankenstein expressed his shock that an empowered monster with limited intelligence had acted with such savagery and wrought so much harm.
“In retrospect I did not pay enough attention to some of the warning signs, like its propensity to poop on neighbors’ doorsteps, destroy shops, and attack individuals whose skin color was not green like its own,” Dr Frankenstein said in a statement from his countryside mansion. “I am disappointed, just like everyone else whose concerns I overlooked while I was still excited about my creation.”
“Nevertheless, the monster had its glory days, when it contributed immensely to the area’s economy,” he said. “Whether through tourists who came to gawk at it, or the merchandise we sold like t-shirts, hats, mugs and posters with slogans, that were made up from its attempted utterings of human speech, like ‘nnnnng’ and ‘grrrrrraaa’ and ‘magaaaaa’ and others.”
Dr Frankenstein said that, despite his regret, he does not take responsibility for this or other monsters’ actions, whether or not he created them.
“I’m just an innovator, who am I to decide if it is moral or legal to burn down an entire village?” he asked.