Nation’s problems solved by news ban

A nationwide ban on media coverage of poverty, unemployment, the decline in education, health, agriculture and industry, as well as protests and strikes, and the rise in crimes and suicides, appears to have resolved all of these crises, government officials said.

A spokesman for the interior ministry said the authorities noticed an immediate uptick in living standards after the disappearance of bad news, following a complex operation targeting thousands of suspects and the seizure of hundreds of criminal tools including phones that they used to film and relay updates on the ground to their followers on social media.

“We destroyed the contents of these tools of anarchy in record time before they were seen by anybody,” the spokesman said. “We will deal with them with an iron fist, because these people are the true criminals who seek to destroy our image.”

The official stressed that the ban was just one part of a multi-faceted strategy to address the challenges facing the nation. 

“The other key pillar of our strategy is to support  the hard work of brotherly local and regional media outlets and to praise their efforts in raising the public’s morale by writing about the opening of new kindergartens and other achievements,” he said.