Intelligence service corrects beliefs of man who thought he only feared God

Officers in the nation’s intelligence service succeeded Monday in rectifying a long-running mistaken belief held by citizen Nidal Freihy that he need only fear the Lord Almighty, convincing him during a visit to the central directorate that there are many things in life that ought to cast fear into his heart.

The decision to single out Freihy for reeducation was made after local intelligence operative Abu Laith came across a social media post by the citizen during routine daytime surveillance in which he explicitly declared that he “feared nobody but Allah.”

“It clearly follows from this statement that the citizen denies his fear of the government, security services, police, and perhaps even the intelligence service,” said Abu Laith in his report. “This constitutes a blatant and shameless transgression against the state’s prestige, threatens the stability of the nation and can be construed as urging the populace to rebel against the state.”

Intelligence chief Atoufa Efendi said Freihy’s stay at the intelligence directorate was for his own good, arguing that fear is an important evolutionary trait that has ensured humanity’s survival for millennia.

“Those who do not fear tigers are eaten by them, and those who do not fear cars will be run over while crossing the street,” Atoufa Efendi said in an interview. “Freihy now fears lamps, surprise slaps and punches, interrogation rooms, cold water, electricity and cigarettes, none of which pose a danger to him now until he messes with us again.”