Ahmed al-Sharaa Vows to Form “Totally Fair and Unbiased” Committee to Investigate State Complaints

Ahmed al-Sharaa, President of a “new and improved” Syria, has announced the formation of a new committee to address criticism of the state.

“Please submit public commentary via our official channels,” al-Sharaa said. “I promise you that we will carefully take your criticisms into account, and, where necessary, very publicly discuss it with the complainer, recorded for transparency, in a court of law.”

“Rest assured, this committee will be completely transparent, totally impartial,” said al-Sharaa. “We won’t ask about your religion, sect, or even if you matter much. It’s not our job to judge; that is the job of the one true God, who shall smite the infidels.”