How Did Iran Win? Let Us Count the Ways

By all reasonable measures, strategic, symbolic, and theatrical, Iran emerged victorious from Israel’s recent attack on it victorious. The conclusion is self-evident: the war ended with Iran having the last word, and with the United States reportedly beseeching Tehran—on bended knee!—to spare Tel Aviv.

Still, for the benefit of the sceptic, we present a short inventory of facts. These may appear counterintuitive to those who insist that Israel’s apparent success in eliminating Iranian scientists, senior IRGC officers, air defences, missile platforms, infrastructure, military airfields, fighter jets, and nuclear facilities constitutes something like a victory.

The Banner Remained Upright
Immediately after Iran suffered the opening strike—a surprise attack so discreet it barely registered in official channels, and inflicted, at most, modest damage—the Supreme Leader ordered the hoisting of the red flag of vengeance. It remained aloft throughout the ten-day war: unlowered, unshaken, unshredded. Not once did it droop. Not even half a centimetre. Should anyone wish to challenge this, we await their evidence.

The Strait Was Not Closed
After the United States entered the war and bombed the Fordow nuclear facility, Iran had, let the record show, the ability to shut down the Strait of Hormuz, thereby constricting the global flow of oil and throttling the world economy. It chose not to. Why? Because it didn’t need to. The war, by that point, had already been decisively won. In military theory, the option not exercised is sometimes the clearest indicator of strength.

The Leader Survived
Repeated statements from Washington and Tel Aviv suggested that the Supreme Leader’s whereabouts were known and that his assassination was feasible. He remains, however, alive. We note that neither state has yet attempted to disprove this by, say, assassinating him.

Tehran Celebrated
Victory celebrations were held in Tehran’s Revolution Square. Thousands attended. We invite readers to produce even a single video of Israelis celebrating there instead. As of press time, no such footage has emerged.