Hemedti and Burhan agree to open humanitarian corridor to heaven for Sudanese civilians

A new deal to secure a humanitarian corridor to heaven for the souls of dead Sudanese citizens regardless of their political affiliation has been reached between the two generals leading the opposing sides of the civil conflict, sources have said.

The deal will lead to a reduction in violence, and was achieved through mediators negotiating with General Abdul Fattah al-Burhan, the president of the council of Sudanese presidents, and Muhammad Hamdan Dagalo “Hemedti,” leader of the Rapid Support Forces and protector of the Sudanese revolution and the country’s gold mines.

Under the terms of the deal, the spirits of Sudanese who died in the fighting will be allowed to ascend to their maker regardless of the cause of death, religious or political beliefs.

UN Secretary General Antonio Guterres said the international community was pleased with the accord and Sudanese generals’ willingness to respond to calls to spare the souls of the dead civilians.

“Initially, various civilian souls were trapped at the gates of heaven after dying due to routine skirmishes between both sides, or an errant or deliberate artillery or air strike, but over time new souls began ascending due to starvation or illness or lack of medicine, which created a crunch that had to be dealt with by the nation’s wise men,” said Guterres.

The top UN official expressed hopes that the deal would augur future humanitarian agreements, such as allowing citizens to retrieve the bodies of loved ones from districts under fire, if only to allow for the resumption of hostilities without oppressive stenches.

Spokespersons for Burhan and Hemedti said they had deployed forces on either side of the corridor to monitor the movement of souls through it, and prevent any living individuals from using it to escape their destiny in Sudan, warning that they would be forced to plant mines throughout the pathway if it is misused.