EU declares Syria safe for refugees after Rifat al-Assad returns home

European states confirmed that Syria is safe and sound, ready to receive refugees that fled during the 10-year war as soon as possible, given the safe return of Uncle Rifat al-Assad to his nephew Bashar al Assad’s warm embrace, in a fond gesture reflecting the extent of the Syrian regime’s tolerance.

The French regime said that the Syrian regime had put considerable effort into scolding Uncle Rifat for his crimes in France but with the greatest attentiveness to human rights which ensures that, as an Assad of course, he gets to do any jail time in his palace in isolation with any grandchildren and children. 

Rifat said that he was relieved to be back after living in exile that was spent between the chalets and chateaux of Marbella and Paris, toiling and labouring to make a living off of laundering money.

“I was subjected to the harshest forms of discrimination due to my financial practices,” he said. “They took away my homes and properties even when I explained to courts that all my embezzled funds are from Syrian banks and citizens; not a penny have I taken from the wallets of the French and Spanish.”

Rifat said that he is happy to be in a setting that considers him an upper-upper-upper-upper class citizen, “far far away from the racism I received as a Syrian refugee in European courthouses.”

Rifat expressed his pride over the actions of his nephew during the war despite initial bumps in their relationship.

“I opposed his ascent to power when he first took over control,” he added. I thought he is a flimsy, weak ophthalmologist lacking knowledge of the intricacies of military action and oppression, especially when he started talking about ‘reform’ and the ‘constitution.’” 

“However, I was pleasantly surprised and proven wrong,” he added. “His iron fist and use of chemical weapons stunned me and made me feel safe, driving me to vote for him in April 2021.”

Bashar, for his part, said that his uncle would have no political or social roles in Syria since he filled the shoes Rifat left empty when fleeing Syria in 1984. 

“But I am contemplating handing Dera’a and Idlib over to him so that he fills his time and stays engaged instead of feeling bored during retirement," he added.