Tantawi to Perform Compliance Patrols in Afterlife on Maspero Massacre Victims

Egyptian military commander, ex-defense minister, and head of the Transitional Military Council during the Egyptian revolution - may its soul rest in peace - Field Marshal Mohamed Hussein Tantawi, left the country and this world to oversee and conduct disciplinary action against protestors and political activists and ensure all those he killed in the notorious Maspero massacre in Cairo are behaving in an orderly fashion in the afterlife. 

In an interview after his recent death, Hussein said that he is looking forward to meeting colleagues from his previous life. 

“However, my main concern is making sure that my soldiers and I have excelled in disciplining and refining citizens during the Maspero events when we ran over protesters with military vehicles, or else everyone will be under the impression that the Egyptian army is incapable of properly raising its public.”

“Judgment day is still a long way away and they might get bored waiting for it and start a riot especially considering that they were young wild boys and Copts who thought they shared the nation’s destiny with the rest of us,” he added.

Hussein will also take time to undergo inspection rounds of facilities in the afterlife, ensuring that torture equimpent is in place along with the necessary supplies of batons, live ammunition and most importantly military-grade tanks capable of running over bodies, in order to ensure that Hell is ready to receive visitors.

“I am willing to provide the heavens with excellent Egyptian expertise in torture, and I will initiate the procedure in certain cases of repatriating the victims back to Egypt where top disciplinary approaches are already in place,” he said.