EU bans bidets to curb immigration

The EU announced today its ban on bidet imports of all shapes and sizes to member states, prohibiting the installation of existing contraptions as well, in an attempt to curb immigration and convince immigrants to stay in their home countries. 

EU spokesman announced today that after consulting experts and conducting thorough research, the union decided that the only aspect that third-world immigrants miss about their home countries is having bidets.

“Depriving immigrants of this tool will show them the true hardship of living abroad,hence awakening their patriotic feelings and their nostalgia – it sends a clear message; ‘you are not welcome here, not even in the bathroom.’”

The spokesman declared this decision to be an efficient and feasible response to the refugee crisis and the growing flow of immigrants.

“It would spare us the burden of overprotecting our borders or having to deport individuals or to house them in camps that make us look bad and stain our human rights record.”

He said this move will have a much broader effect than anticipated as it will extend to “older immigrants who were already  granted residencies or citizenships .”

The ban extends to short hoses, jugs, measuring cups, water guns and any alternative devices that can be used to protrude water.