#AlHudoodInHistory: Syrian parliament decides most suitable candidates for nation’s presidency are 34-year-olds named Bashar Hafez al-Assad

Syria’s People’s Assembly passed Wednesday a raft of constitutional reforms meant to choose the most suitable Bashar Hafez al-Assad to lead the beating heart of Arabism in the footsteps of the departed eternal leader Hafez al-Assad.

MPs voted unanimously on a measure outlining the qualifications of the next Syrian president, which the assembly decided must be 34 years old and named Bashar, with a father named Hafez, and must hail from the al-Assad family.

Speaker of parliament Abdel Qader Qaddoura said the precise qualifications showed deputies understood the gravity of the situation and the need to ensure the country’s next leader was up to the task of fighting imperialism and Zionism and defending the nation’s interests against conspirators.

The constitutional amendment also requires that the next president’s mother be named Aniseh, that he have siblings called Maher and Bushra and a brother-in-law called Assef Shawkat. He must also be exactly 188 cm tall, and would have preferably studied in London and ideally did his medical residency at the Western Eye Hospital, “so he can correct the nation’s vision of its future in line with President Hafez al-Assad’s corrective movement in the 1970s.”

Still, Qaddoura said it will be difficult for any future president to fill the shoes of departed leader, Hafez “Abu Bassel” al-Assad.

“By God, all of us in the assembly wished for Abu Bassel to continue as our leader from the highest vantage point in Paradise, for he would be in a position of omniscience that would allow him to uncover all the plots and conspiracies targeting our homeland,” he said. “But alas, we cannot burden him with earthly affairs, and all we can do is do our utmost to find someone who walks the same path and who believes in effective governance, tolerance and democracy.”

Qaddoura predicted that Abu Bassel’s son, Bashar Hafez al-Assad, was the most qualified to win in the upcoming presidential election, and those that come after it.

“We need to look no further, the man’s name alone tells us what the nation needs,” he said. “Bashar indicates glad tidings; Hafez, means protector of the nation and its ideals;  al-Assad, a strong lion in the face of adversaries.”