Syrian Presidential Candidate Receives -3 Votes, loses to Bashar al-Assad

ٍSyrian state television, radio stations, newspapers, and polling stations all over the country announced the victory of candidate and eternal president, son of the eternal president, and father of the eternal president, the optometrist and secretary-general of the Baath Party, the front-liner Bashar Hafez al-Assad ‘Abu Hafez,’ in the Syrian presidential election.

Bashar’s vote total approached infinity while his opponents, Abdullah Saloom Abdullah and Mohammad Mar’ey, obtained zero votes and -3 votes respectively. 

The head of the legal committee in charge of observing the integrity of the elections praised the accuracy of the results, declaring that a negative vote value does not necessarily mean foul play.

“There are plenty of legal explanations for this phenomenon,” he said. “The ballot paper that nominated the candidates running against his excellency the president could have contained banned words, such as the candidates’ names, or, as a matter of fact, any name that is not the president’s. Therefore we had to not only cancel the vote but deduct a vote from the candidate which brought the tallied results to sub-zero values.”

“We went above and beyond to protect political plurality and constitutional rights,” he added. “We assigned special government representatives to inspect the country’s death records and vote on behalf of the dead since their death should not deny them their right to vote and participate in this democratic process.”

The head of the legal committee also stated that the success of President Assad and the failure of the other candidates were well-deserved. 

“Besides the president having superior qualities, like being the son of his father, his excellency worked tirelessly on his campaign and deserves a few extra votes for his efforts, deducted from the candidate’s results,” he said.