Politician sleeps at night for third decade in a row

A senior politician succeeded again Thursday in entering a deep state of sleep bereft of nightmares and guilt over the fate of millions whose lives have been ruined by his actions, in a streak that has lasted 30 years.

The official, who asked that he be only identified by his initials, M. F., said he suffered from anxiety and poor sleep in his first months on the job, which affected his energy levels and ability to ascend the rungs of officialdom.

“I asked for advice from my political mentors, who suggested a more comfortable bed, silk covers, plush pillows, an air conditioner, and a surround system playing peaceful music to calm my conscience,” he said.

M. F. said he augmented these perks with a rock solid sleep routine, including an hour-long massage, in addition to avoiding foreign TV stations that portray the situation in the country as catastrophic, and relying only on local, professional media outlets. 

It also helps to imagine and count the dollar bills entering his Swiss accounts, he added.