Senior Gog and Magog notables ordered their tribesmen to remain behind the iron walls that have confined them for millennia, arguing that humanity needed little help in bringing the world to ruin and ushering in the end times.
Expeditionary tribal forces had initially reacted with jubilation after breaching the outer walls that had long protected other nations from the horde, but the excitement quickly gave way to fear and concern.
“We thought now that the time had come, we would breathe the free air and quench our thirst by drinking the rivers dry,” said Brig Gen Ehab Magog. “But there was smog visible on the horizon, and all the waterways had been polluted with industrial effluent that poisoned our forces.”
Military sources say tribal reconnaissance teams armed with swords and crossbows were quickly dispatched with advanced weaponry including chemical weapons, cluster munitions and drones. Those who survived will be charged with 10,000 counts of tax evasion, one for each year that the tribesmen did not report their income.
“A number of others were arrested because they did not have valid documentation or visas,” Brig Gen Magog added.
Magog said soldiers who insisted on fulfilling their mission of destruction and violence nonetheless had the option of joining militias in Libya, Syria or Iraq, but urged his fellow tribesmen to return to their hideouts and seek shelter from humanity’s evil.
“Our lands are vast and we can remain in them forever,” he said. “We will fill the hole we dug with great haste before they can find us.”
“We also wish to thank Alexander the Great, whom we wrongfully condemned for erecting the wall,” the general added. “He was only trying to protect us from these monsters.”