A bonobo at the Sununu Zoo suffered a severe panic attack Monday after overhearing visitors discussing the theory of evolution and the possibility of apes like him becoming humans one day.
Sources close to Karim the bonobo said he grew agitated and alarmed after hearing two zoo visitors discuss what they said was “just a theory.”
The two humans nevertheless admitted that a third friend who believed in the theory had the facial hair to prove it, a possibility that drove the chimp into a state of inconsolable grief.
He was seen breaking a tree branch and shrieking in despair inside his enclosure later that evening.
“Karim has very little regard for humans to begin with,” said zookeeper Reda Daadeer. “He always hurls feces and spits at them, tries to scare the children, and is constantly showing them his buttocks and testicles and trying to have sex to embarrass them into leaving.”
In a brief interview, Karim told Alhudood that he liked being a chimp and had no desire to evolve.
“Look, I’m not stupid, I understand that I’m not the one directly at risk of becoming some sort of human, and hell, I might not even live to see that happen,” he said. “But imagine if one day we all had to live in big cement cubes, then pay thousands of bananas to travel to jungles and zoos to see wild animals that would not have had to move anywhere if it wasn’t for the big cement cubes being built all the time?”