Trump barricades self in White House, swallows key

US President Donald Trump closed all entry points into the White House, locking himself and his family inside before swallowing the key to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, resisting entreaties from allies and advisors to calm down, breathe and spit it out as challenger Joe Biden drew closer to the presidency.

Trump followed up ingesting the key with a series of tweets declaring that he will not give up the presidency except over the dead bodies of his supporters, declaring what happened a “conspiracy and systematic effort to steal my great victory” as evidenced by the refusal of election officials to stop counting votes despite his pleas.

The outgoing president declared that he would not allow “losers and imbeciles” to damage America’s greatness.

“The White House is white for a reason and will always remain white,” he said. “They think they can just come into my house and do what they want, bringing in people of all colors, and Biden I’m sure will even bring over that little environmentalist loser and shake her hand and take pictures with her, because Sleepy Joe only wants to spend time with children and losers.”

Trump also expressed outrage that Biden was likely to bring in qualified individuals back into government.

“They want to fill the White House with ugly people with lines on their faces, when they can bring in people who look like Ivanka. I mean look at her, look at her eyes, her eyelashes, her hair, her laugh, her teeth, her lips,” he said. “And now, she’s completely heartbroken.”

First lady Melania Trump said in a phone call that all was well, however.

“Donald swallows odd things here and there every now and then when a McDonald’s meal isn’t immediately available,” she said. “He was angry, I didn’t quite understand what he wanted, but he said something about us staying in this house forever.”

“At any rate, we’ll wait 12 hours and the problem will resolve itself,” she said.