Lucky citizen dies

Fate finally smiled in the face of local barber Nabil Arandas, allowing him to die Thursday of a heart attack after decades of being alive and struggling with the future, goals, dreams, society, and work, to no avail.

Arandas, 35, is poised to end up in a better place, regardless of whether he lands in Paradise, Purgatory, or Hell.

Sources close to Arandas expressed surprise, however, saying he did nothing in recent days to justify being rewarded with the sweet release of death.

“He was waking up late just like us, often complained of pain in his neck, drank coffee every day, hated his boss and his girlfriend, and even used to steal tea from his workplace,” said one family friend. “But fate chose him only and left us all behind.”

“The lucky bastard had been wanting to find a way to get rid of his landlord, the family group on Whatsapp, his bank, his neighbors, his work colleagues, his debt to the local grocer, and anxiety over heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, and cancer, all of which he was destined to contract eventually,” the friend added. “Then he just suddenly dropped dead.”

In an interview with Alhudood’s afterlife correspondent Maymoon Kumtum, Arandas expressed delight at his release.

“My only regret is not clearing my browser history,” he said.